I don’t know why I’m like this. But I am.
Like I said, I’m probably a seriously flawed human being, but eh. Whatcha gonna do?
I have this awful habit of being a lazy piece a shit.
I don’t know what it is. But I’m lazy and unmotivated.
Basically, the inside of me (and outside) looks like this.
Don’t get me wrong. I have ambitions, and dreams – the whole shebang. But I lack the juice to get me to do it. As many of my teachers and report cards have mentioned “I don’t live up to my full potential.”
I enjoy writing, some people would even go as far to say I don’t suck at it.
But there’s this little voice in my head – and I blame Homer Simpson for it – that says “they’re lying. You’re actually quite suck-ish. Quit while you’re ahead.” And then like a balloon deflates, I’m out of air, and after having done the bare minimum I’m exhausted and I boogie out.
I swear if running away from problems/boys/my brain/life was considered exercise I’d be the skinniest piece of shit on this planet.
See here’s the thing.
I only ever write when my brain feels cloudy. I don’t know how else to describe it, so cloudy is what I’m going with. So, when I do that bare minimum and de-cloud my brain a bit, I think it’s good enough for now, and I revel in a slightly less cloudy mindset.
The funny thing is that I write. If you look at my computer, you’ll see I have a folder of posts that should be, well, posted. But then Homer comes back and is like, “well you did the writing bit, is the posting bit reaaaaaaally necessary?” And I tell him he’s probably right, close Word and read the stuff other people have actually posted. Because they’re not as suck-ish as I am.
There you have it. I have no excuse, except for the person I am.
I’ll try and fix it, but it’s been almost 26 years and there hasn’t been much change yet.
This is my attempt at a try.
I can’t say how long it’ll last. Or even if this makes it to the dashboard. But I’mma try.
I’m going for this new, unzip my blobfish brain, have it flop out and wriggle around while people point and possibly laugh/gasp/be uncomfortable with it – thing. It may not be funny, it definitely won’t be pretty, it’s just gonna be whatever I want it to be.